Headphones

I love headphones. I love them because music has always been my safe place and headphones were my way to carry that with me in public, except I never allowed myself to use them.

My ideal way of using headphones was a very simple and normal one: to go about my day with music as a companion. The problem was I kept worrying someone would need my attention, and even in situations where that was unlikely, that preoccupation didn’t go away. I couldn’t even stand in line without switching off the music.

That was until I figured out that the whole thing was a manifestation of my own low self-esteem telling me that being available made me more acceptable. I had to be on standby for approval, even from strangers. From the day I understood that, I started going out wearing headphones. It was a gradual endeavor, though, and the hardest part was fighting the reflex to hit pause or rip my headphones off whenever anyone came near.

I’m writing this today because yesterday it was the first time I wore headphones for a whole trip to the supermarket. From getting out of the car to getting back to it, I walked through the aisles with the music flowing, not hearing anything else, and went through the self-checkout thing without even pausing for a second.

It. Felt. So. Good.