Assignment

I stopped writing for a while, since my road trip to Arizona last month, and my mind has been wandering too much. I feel like I can't anchor my thinking in a single thing at any given time.

Normally, when I'm more focused, taking Ritalin improves my focus and puts me in a good mood. Today, the medication is affecting both my mood and my ideas. I'm two different people: on meds and not on meds.

I would like to be off meds soon. I think I'm doing well without the antidepressants, at least for now, with some ups and downs. But I think I'm stable. I feel like I'm emotionally flatlining, but that's not the antidepressant's problem to solve. I think I've lived like this, undiagnosed, for most of my life. Persistent dysthymia.

Anyway, writing helps. Writing anchors my focus and gives me structure. Sometimes it works as a step forward in something I'm already cooking. Other times, it's just an emotional dump. Especially when I write fiction, something I haven't done in years.

I'm trapped in a self-analysis loop that makes me write shitty self-help content. And I don't like that, but I don't despise it either. It's necessary, I guess. Or at least expected.

Yesterday, while scrolling through Instagram, I found a live Q&A from Marc Maron. At one point, somebody asked him what his current hobby was now that the podcast is over. He went quiet for a while, and then said something that resonated strongly with me: "I don't know. I don't have a current obsession. I think I need a new obsession."

That was spot on for me. I don't believe in that universe-talks-to-you, stars-aligning, mystical crap, but I like serendipity.

So, I do need a new obsession.

Later, I was talking to my girlfriend about that need. Maybe I should get into music. Or take up one of my previous obsessions again, like drawing or lettering.

I don't know. Yet. But I now know the assignment. And that's something.